Cool Your Jets: Things Girls Need To Get Over

BY CHAD

So your boyfriend doesn’t come over when he’s supposed to, or he won’t wear the new shirt you bought him. Whether it’s a long term relationship or one as fresh as summer strawberries, girls need to know a few things about dudes.

1. No, We Don’t Like To Dress Up

There isn’t a single thing that’s comfortable about wearing pleated pants above your belly button. We don’t like to have our mothers hem dress pants just so that we can step through the stitching the first time we put them on. Nobody likes to put on a god damn dress shirt and sit through grandma’s 90^th birthday bash. We do it for you. Understand that it shows you that we care. So just be happy that we showed up in something more presentable than a tuxedo t-shirt.

2. We Don’t Have A Day Planner Or A Calendar Or Even A Watch

What I mean to say is that we don’t have a set schedule. For the most part we’re pretty easy going. There are a few things that are certain though. When we’re hungry, we’re going to eat. When we’re sleepy, we’re going to sleep. And when it’s party time, it’s party time. Period. Nothing else needs to be set in stone. So when you ask what time we’re picking you up for your grandma’s birthday jam, all we can give you is an approximate time. But don’t pretend like we’re never waiting on you – miss ionlytaketenminutestogetready.

3. Regardless Of What You Think, You Can Be Fucking Condescending

You know how everyone’s always bashing that broad with 8 kids for being such a cunt to her asian husband? Well, she’s not the only one with a pointy stick in her keaster. All girls have the potential to overdo it sometimes and that’s fine, everybody goes overboard at one time or another. The important part to remember is that this shouldn’t be an every day occurrence. When you come over 10 minutes before we’re supposed to go to dinner with your parents and we’re still wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt, think before you speak. Don’t start calling us every name you’ve ever heard or blaming us for the clouds in the sky. Blowing up for no serious reason just makes us think of flying the coop.

3.5 Don’t Think You Know The Whole Story

Wanting to spend a night out with some buddies is no reason to turn ugly. But when you tell us that we never want to spend time with you or that we don’t care you are just shoveling coal into the furnace of the train on the way to Dumpsville. At the same time, catching us scoping some random girl walking down the street is no reason to go batty – we’re dudes and it doesn’t mean we love you any less.

Guys are guys and there are a lot of things that we’re going to do that are going to boggle your mind. Let some things slide and if you can’t do that, then talk to us before you lose your shit. It might be that we want a night out because one of our dudes has a birthday or that the girl we were scoping has such a nasty, gnarly camel toe that it makes us love you even more.

4. We’re Not Made Of Velcro

A lot of guys are guilty of this one too. But when we’re at the bar or out with friends there is no reason for you to be permanently fused to your lover. It’s great that you want to show us that you care, but save it for the bedroom. There’s something a little overpowering about being clingy and it’s not an attractive quality.

5. Passive Aggressiveness Is A Big Problem

We’re not stupid. We know that when you say you’re fine, you’re not fine.  So why not come out and just say it? Quit with the head games and be straight up for once. When has being passive aggressive ever worked for you before? When you say you’re fine, we leave it at that do what we want anyway. So for the sake of both of us, just say how you feel. Dudes want to extinguish a bad situation as soon as possible and passive aggressiveness just adds fuel to the fire.

6. We Like When You Like Things That We Like

…and we like immature things. Things like farts are usually fun. So don’t pretend that you don’t want to smell what we’re cooking, it’s a gift from us to you!

No, seriously though. Don’t rag us for liking something that you’re not into. Teasing here and there isn’t so bad but when you can’t stand one of our passions, maybe it’s time to hit the road. If we invite you to see a band that you don’t particularly like, just suck it up and come. We do it because we want you to like what we like. And besides, how many times have we watched shit like Twilight just because we couldn’t say no to your cute little mug?

That’s it. Well, not really but you get the point. If you’re listening right then the lesson in life is not playing the role of the let down.