CHAD: Drunk Bros & Broads

When guys and girls grab a case of beer, shit can go down. I’ll be the first to admit that I drink more than your average chud. But even though I drink a lot, I’ve been told that I’m pretty much the same dude with or without alcohol. Unfortunately though, this isn’t the case for everyone. Alcohol changes a lot of people for better or worse. In this article I’m going to run through the differences between girls and guys when alcohol is thrown into the mix.

Liquid Hero

This self-proclaimed tough guy at the bar is going to lose his shit after 4 or 5 beers. He’s the type of dude that goes out with a chip on his shoulder looking for a fight because his ex-girlfriend (of three girlfriends ago) is talking to another guy. This dude has no fucking logic whatsoever and he’ll use any excuse he can to fight. If he wasn’t enough of a chud before then he will be when he spills his beer and calls it your fault.

Bros At The Bar

No matter where you go you’ll find bros at the bar. I shouldn’t have to go into it but they’re the frosted tip, pink shirt, popped collar, shell necklace sort of tools. They storm the bar like an ass fucking conga line for idiots looking for pussy, but don’t mind when they leave the bar to go home and suck dick. If you can’t pick out a bro by his sense of style then you’ll surely be able to recognize one when he call for jaggerbombs or SHOTS!

Drunk Love

The greasy fucking spick at the bar who’s always grinding up on birds and getting more than a bit too close. I get that alcohol removes a lot of inhibitions and eliminates some personal boundaries but there’s a fucking limit here. Some of the shit I see going down is borderline rape.

Team Drunk Love

The couple that goes out to the bar together and can’t bare to let their baby boy or girl out of sight. They hold each other all night at the bar like an abused puppy who’s befriended a broken furby. This whole situation begs the question of why they just didn’t stay home in the first place. When I’m scoping broads at the bar I don’t need to see people in love, that’s not what going to the bar is all about.

Bar Star

This bitch is done up to the 9’s with fake fucking everything. Her nails match her toes and everything in between is probably made of the same kind of plastic. She never pays for drinks because Bro’s and Mr. Drunk Love (see above) are more than willing to do anything they can for her. She’d probably fit best on an episode of Jersey Shore selling t-shirts and then getting fired, because as her looks suggest, she can’t do anything right.

Gina’s and Guidettes

My fucking lord, I don’t think there’s anything I hate more. I can’t stand their fucking high heels or their stupid club shirts or even their dumbass boyfriends. Fortunately I don’t frequent the same sorts of bars that these people do. These are the girls that hog all the cabs on a Saturday night because they can’t walk half a block in their fucking high shoes. If you can imagine how much time they spent getting ready and then subtract how much time they actually spend looking good at the bar you’d end up with a negative number and you’d probably feel dumber for having thought about it in the first place. No amount of alcohol can make a Guidette look good because this type of girl doesn’t come with a mute button.

Big Girls At The Bar

Big Girls are probably your best bet at the bar if you’re looking to have a good time. They’re usually rad as fuck and a lot of the time they have good stories to tell. Often they can drink more than your average girl and there’s always a chance that if you get drink enough, you’ll be in the right sort of state to take them home for some fun.

Average Broads

Plain and simple, average girls are the ones that look the best at the bar. They’re well put together and not looking for anything out of the ordinary. They genuinely look like they’re having a good time and that ups their attraction factor. Sure they might get bombed as tits the odd time – we’ve all seen the hog stumbling down the road with no shoes on – but they’re the ones you can take home to mom. But ladies, please try to keep quiet at 4 in the morning when your friend is walking away with some dude from the bar. Nobody likes a loud mouth and nobody likes a gamekiller.

STEF: Drunk Bros & Broads

First of all, it’s been a while since Chad and I said something mean about your life…and we apologize for the delay. One would even suggest that it’s because we are both busy getting laid by the catch of the day we found in our Plenty of Fish nets. But truthfully it’s probably more realistic to say that we both just don’t have A/C and we have been so busy taking 5 showers a day in this recent heatwave that we don’t give a fuhhhk about you needing something to read when you’re being bored in your government job with A/C and a Reitman’s cardigan. Gahhhh. Fuck you in your dental benefits. Oh, and thanks for letting us swim in your pool last week. You’re the best, babe.

Now let’s focus on the topic at hand.

Drunk Bros & Broads

Haaaaa. Where do I even BEGIN?

Let’s start with the BOYS.

The other night I went out to the bar at about 1am on a full moon after sippin’ back a few modest beers. I was buzzed, but the second I walked in, I became sober, and felt I was walking into a zoo.

Everywhere I looked, alpha males like monkeys swingin’ from tree to tree and beatin’ their chests. Fights waiting to break out and drinks splashed us from everywhere, splashing girls freshly painted toes.

We’ve all been trashed once or thirty times, but guys definitely beat the shit out of sobriety every friggin’ Friday. Bet you can remember the last guy you saw pullin’ one of these….

#1.  “O’DOYLE RULES!!!!!”

It began in the schoolyard and it happens every night. Guys love to get really wasted and yell pretty much anything really loudly. Whether they’re hollering a buddy’s name or growling a red-faced, veiny,  “Fuuuuck yeahhh” this is just one of those things. One of those instinctive behaviours reserved for the kings of the Jagermeister jungle.

#2. Passing out and drawing on each other.

#3. Peeing your name on snow, asphalt or Claire Antoine’s rosebushes. (Mat Drouin, I’m talkin to you!)

#4. Driving drunk. This one is just dumb.

#5. Projectile everything

For guys who play so many videogames, you actually suck at life at real targets. You piss all over but that’s on any given day. You guys don’t just do that drunk.  Any girl dumb enough to play house knows that. When you ARE drunk, however, you puke your faces out allll over the place.  On your shoes, on the subway, on your buddy. On your mom, fuck. I was there. Don’t act like you don’t remember your family reunion ;).  Puke in the toilet, you fucks.

And now, we move onto the ladies

Ohhhh god. You’re 18. You spent your paycheck on a boob top, or a slinky metallic minidress, some kohl liner and a mickey of peach schnapps for the way up. Oh, and some crumpled 5’s you tossed to the DD. And just like ya planned, you get DRRRRRUNK. Remember what you did last night?

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This video pretty much sums it up. Drunk girls are awesome. Maybe I’m biased. Umm girls wear ridiculous heels to a bar and by the time the night is almost over, the strangest thing happens. Our feet actually stop working. Well, our ankles. We just start pullin’ a Bambi right and left. And do you know what each drunk girl says when that starts happening…

#1. “I’m not even drunk”

#2. Bathroom heart to hearts

Some of the most fascinating conversations happen when drunk girls hit a bathroom. You’ve got the girls in the mirror, fixing their hair & makeup and telling themselves:

“Wow, I definitely do look drunk. And yet I feel amazing. Oh well, let’s do some SHOTS!!!!!”

#3. Taking pictures

OHHH god. Girls LOVE to take pictures when they are drunk. Flashbulbs go offfffff  and they have 200 pictures of every Friday night. Ashley Belmore, I’m lookin’ at you girlfriend. And the world needs these girls. They spread joy, not chlamydia.

#4. Crying.
Happy crying, sad crying, it all goes down.

#5.The drunk dial

Ohhhh, this could be the equivalent of driving drunk and hitting your grandmother. This is a universal shared characteristic of the intoxicated female. This can involve texting exes, current flings, possible flings, driving instructors and a California chiropractor. What? It happened to a friend.

#6.  Detective Afterparty.

Don’t even pretend you never stuck around a bar to find an afterparty.  Many girls have braved very cold nights breathing frigid glass air outside the bar just waiting for access to that warm, hazy, candle and pot smoke filled afterparty.  And while they wait, they walk up to the bouncers and say in a singsong voice: “Can I just wait inside for one minute?” The best thing to do in this situation, girls, is to peace out.

Ok so that sums up  my fave things guys and gals do when they’re loaded! Am I forgetting anything? Let us know!

*Disclaimer: Mat Drouin did not piss on Claire Antoine’s hedges. His brother did.