CHAD: Everybody Poops

I know, I never wanted to believe it either but the fact of the matter is that everybody poops. Mom poops, dad poops, even your girlfriend poops. But pooping is one of those things that goes down behind closed doors (literally) and it’s usually better off left there. There are times, however, when poop creeps out of its dark room and punches you square in the nose. You can’t deny it. So how do you deal with your lover and poop.

In some relationships (especially at first), poop is a subject that’s off limits. Nobody comes back to a restaurant table and explains the girth of the dump they just took to the special lady across the table. If you do, then you’re an idiot (awesome, but an idiot). At the same time, you’re not going to point out the fact that the corn your girlfriend is currently eating will make a second appearance later tonight at the porcelain palace. These things just aren’t talked about.

In some cases, couples are even afraid to talk about pooping’s little brother, farting. That’s just silly, everyone knows that farting is hilarious and that it helps to keep things fun and fresh in your relationship: from bubbles in the pool to dutch ovens, the possibilities are endless. Also, lets not forget about queefing - the female equivalent of farting. It’s an equally funny phenomenon and it doesn’t provide us with the nose busting flavour of the butt trumpet roar. So get over farting at least.

Maybe once your relationship progresses you’ll make some (turtle)headway. But there’s no getting past it. Pooping around the opposite sex is weird. The best way to deal with it (and I’m offering my expert opinion here) is to play it off like no big thang. I just like to think of it as a aromatic symbol of my manhood. This is what I’m capable of, you should be thankful to bask in the musk of my brew.

Alright, so maybe you don’t share my skewed view about crappy creations so I can only offer you a few other suggestions. Keep your washroom stocked with aerosol sprays – but for god’s sake, not the peach smelling kind, nothing smells worse than a mash up of poo and peaches. A nice powerful flower spray will do; shop around and try a few different scents until you find something that works for you.
Even better and much more economical is a pack of matches. Nothing kills the smell of poo like the burning of a match. Just make sure to throw the match in the toilet and not in the garbage can. There’s nothing more embarrassing than setting the garbage on fire while trying to mask the scent of your dump.
But if you want to hide the smell of your doodie in a romantic way, try the match and candle combination. Your lover might overlook the whole pooping thing and opt for a sexy dip in the tub.

STEF: called the shit poop

Ahhhh new relationships… The butterflies, the politeness, the back scratches, the surrendering of the remote control. Girls and guys know it’s really important to prolong this stage for as long as possible.

But, starting a new relationship does have its shortcomings.  I recently started dating someone and had my first sleepover at his place. No, we did not bang. We chilled out and then we passed out. And I gotta admit, it’s really awesome to wake up beside someone and not want to peace out immediately in your bar clothes.

But I digress.

When we wake up, he hops up outta bed, turns his swag on and goes to pick us up some coffee. I drink iced coffee, no base, a LITTLE bit of milk and one sugar. But I was so stoked my babe was goin’ to grab me a coffee that I didn’t even go all Starbucks on my order. I just said “iced coffee please.”

So he gets back and I see this tall icy plastic cup full of coffee, and I can tell by the creamy beige colour that the Tim Hortons bitch freepoured 18% cream into that fucker like it was hers.

But I am so thirsty from drinkin’ all that vodka the night before, I don’t give a fuck.

I down it.

Then me and my guy are sittin’ outside and, it hits me. I’m going to have to poop. 

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

And right there, like Harry from Dumb & Dumber, I feel the gurgle.  I am no longer in control. I am now a special ops soldier whose camp is about to get blitzed due to failed recon action. I have to make a move.

“Um, babe, I’m gonna take a shower.”

I book it up the stairs and I faintly hear him say something about there being towels in the closet. At this point I am actually sweating. I’m THAT scared of the most normal universal function of living organisms.

So I do what any girl would do in my situation.

I lock the door.
I turn on the tap.
I turn on the fan.
I quickly scan the room for perfume, hairspray, and bathroom spray.
I turn on the shower.

When most girls use the washroom, we do NOT fuck around. We don’t read and we certainly don’t relax.  

Then there’s the two part flush. The Courtesy & The Follow-Up.

I know what you’re thinking, but let me explain.

In my last relationship, I had zero problems even having a conversation in the bathroom with my boyfriend while either of us was takin’ a shit. I don’t know how we got to that comfort zone, but I can assure you it did not happen overnight.

Now that I’m with a new guy, it’s like all of a sudden my asshole is scared shitless. Hahah Sorry. That was gross, even for me.  But seriously, I DREAD going to the bathroom WAYYYY before it’s time to go.  I can’t even enjoy a meal anymore without thinking about the consequences.

“Do you want hot sauce in your pasta baby?” NO!
“Chinese food at 10pm?” NO!
“Black beans in your chicken salad?” FUCK NO!!

However since I’m usually stoned around dinnertime, I dive right in and take that hot sauce.  Why? Because it’s fuckin delicious. And…everybody poops.

I wasn’t sure if I was the only person so stressed over the ol’ Number Two.

My wise friend Mat Drouin laid it out for me. He claims there are “levels” when it comes to shitting at your honey's place for the first time.

LEVEL ONE:  “DON’T DO IT.”

LEVEL TWO:  “Once the comfort level starts to come around, offer to go get her a Timmy's and crunch one out real quick then hit the drive through.”

LEVEL THREE: “If no one else is home, use the toilet that is the least used in the home.. If youre in your home, you know where the goods are,. If you're at her place, you need to know this by Level 3.”

(I was happy to see that he, too, did the air freshener assessment for his business)

Drouin goes on:

“The trouble with the unused bathroom is that sometimes it has no door, then we have ourselves a huge dilemma - we're back to LEVEL ONE.”

He listed a few more levels and I realized, we all share these poop ethics, but we rarely discuss them.

Why do we have so many hangups about it?

My friend Holly has a great attitude when it comes to building the ol’ log cabin.

“Sorry... but when ya gotta go, ya gotta go... If you don't eat, you don't shit and if you don't shit, you die.”

Dumb and Dumber Toilet Funny Scene - A funny movie is a click away