Stef joins Plenty of Fish

BY STEF

Online dating. What just popped in your head when I said that?

It was probably a mixture of mockery and maybe partial shame for ever having thought “Maybe I should check it out…”

So in order to save you the embarrassment, dear friends, we've decided to pick this as a topic for our blog.  We sign up for plentyoffish.com (‘cause it’s free) and decide to stick to it for one week. 

Using our REAL names, REAL locations, and REAL information.

The Pre-Game Warm Up

Before even starting the application, I already feel anxiety. Online dating is some kinda huge taboo in life. Right up there with Comic Con and butt sex. But I digress.

So as I'm googling the website, I start thinking about the horror stories from AMW.

The stalkers, the people with checkered pasts, the fake profiles…

Some people must use it sincerely, though, right?  So then, why don’t we hear the good stories about online dating?

 “Because no one wants to admit how they met. It’s the inside joke of the online dating world,” says my friend Jillian,  an Outdoor Rec. & Leisure student from Brock University who has tried the site.

And she’s exactly right. I have never met a couple who said they met online.

It’s the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” of the eharmonys of the world.

Ugh. I can't believe I have to use this site for a week. 

Here we go.  Now I feel like I pretty much have a tshirt on that says “I really am that desperate.”

The first thing I see on the homepage is this:

“We've been on magazine covers featured in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, The Today Show, CNN, FOX and hundreds of others."

 Ok..so this site is endorsed by CNN and FOX. This is starting off great.

Then it asks me to choose a username. I freeze in panic. I definitely don’t want to put my real name, considering I'm about to be posting my friggin' picture on it for all of Cornwall to see. They might even think I'm one of them!

I start silently cursing Chad too because he gets to put Waterloo as his current city.

The Plenty of Fish homepage goes on to say:

"But the vast majority of you hear about us because your friends have had a really good experience using our site.”

Um, nooo actually, that's nowhere near being true.

But oh well, here goes nothing. 

The Application Process

It all starts with a chemistry test. Like most girls I know, I like a good quiz so I start answering seriously. And then it just goes on. And on. And I just start wizzin' through the answers.

So I get this whole report on the kind of person Plenty of Fish thinks I am. They judge me based on five things.

Self-Confidence

Family Orientation

Self-Control.

Openness

Easygoingness (which actually is a word, I checked)

Sorry, but, if you can't assess your own self on based on that criteria, then it makes perfect sense as to why you'd join this website.

Rusty Tin Cans & the Plastic Rings That Held Them...

...izz what I found in the Sea. And sure, there are plenty of fish, alright.  Guppies.

After deciding on a username that was light and as PG as possible as to ward off any pervs, I decided on Sunlover26. 

Well, I start getting all these messages. What do I doooo? Luckily my friend Jill whom I mentioned earlier gave me a couple tips about navigating the site. When you click on a thumbnail of someone, that person finds out you looked at their profile, suggesting you could be remotely interested in them. On the flipside, you can see exactly who checked you out.

In my short week on the site here are some of the messages I received from dudes.

“ hi there ,ok this may seem a little

forward and

im sorry

for thatyuy

I am a amature photographer thats

looking to

expand my knowledge of portrait and

human photography, i just stumbled

across

your profile and you have such amazing

features that i would love to take your

pictur”

Ya, OK buddy.

Another one:

“Go on cam for me.”

This guy is clearly out of his Jules Verne mind cause I am 20 000 leagues above him.

Then there's white-haired Francois, in a cowboy hat, who thought he was being funny when he wrote:


"Hello, special from the gerant this week.. 155pounds of pure me, only 1,79$pnd...
Most try with red wine, and sea foods..."

GAG.

But my absolute favourite message of the week was:

"I am just wondering if chatting with an older married man is totally out of the question for you?"

WOWWWW. I told him he should probably see what his wife thought about it. Wahhh, this guy was definitely a straight shooter!

I couldn’t imagine wanting to meet up with someone on this site, but I have a friend who used it before. I asked my friend Jamie what type of people she met.

“Desperate people,” she said, laughing. “I used it 'cause I was a stay at home mom. It was convenient for me but you meet fuckin weirdos. They’re usually always weirdos.”

Jamie, now married, went on to tell me about someone she met online. She starts laughing:

“His name was Patrick. We went out on a date. He ended up running up and down a raccoon ten times, while I was in the passenger seat…I’m FRRREAKING out. It was our first date.”

We kept talking about the type of people you meet online and I will admit, there appears to be somewhat normal people who join. Just not many.

Catch of the day

Although I am single, I discovered I’m not really looking for a soulmate online. We all want to find the right person, but there is something just really unnatural about pursuing a partner on the net. I mean, you go online to find a pair of shoes. Or to pay a bill. Not to get a boyfriend. So why do people continue to join?

My friend Jill said:

 “In one day you lock eyes with one guy, maybe two guys max. You get a casual smile and nothing will ever come of it. Whereas, on Plenty of Fish it’s like everyday you go on. Eight new people just looked at you in an hour. So then it’s like,'I’m hot, yeah I’m hot.'"

So now, as I retire my Plenty of Fish jersey (for life hopefully), I have this to say: if you wanna use it, use it. But if you wanna wade through a lot of the crap, sign up for a site you pay a monthly fee for. Yeah, you’re gettin’ robbed, but there are probably less pigs.

Chad joins Plenty of Fish

BY CHAD Alright, I’m going to tell it how it is. It seems there’s no other way to slice it – internet dating is weird.  In this article I plan to go over the ins and outs of how Plenty of Fish works and how it may or may not be right for you (most likely not, you pathetic little bastard).

 Just Like Applying For Welfare

Not that I’ve ever applied for welfare but I’m sure the process is just as humiliating. It’s pretty basic – fill out a profile of the kinds of things you like and what you’re looking for and then you’re ready to start fishing. It goes without saying that posting a picture will get you more hits than not posting one at all. Similarly, the quality of said picture and how good you look in it will also help determine who might come-a-knockin’.

For me, I just threw up the picture that I had on my facebook page – nothing difficult and nothing complicated (I wasn’t going to go out of my way to impress – what I believed to be – a bunch of hogs who couldn’t find anyone in the real world). When they prompted me to write a little bit about myself I told them the truth – just a dude who likes beer and tattoos and music, that’s it, that’s all (yeah, I don’t blame broads for not wanting me either). So overall, the application process is pretty simple; you could be out there scoping your future husband/wife or stage 5 in no time.

Plenty Of Fish In The Sea

I went in with very low expectations and didn’t expect to find anyone or anything of value out there. I figured that all the broads on this website would just be a bunch of poor, pathetic pigs that couldn’t get a date in the real world. So before going ahead with this idea I told myself that I wouldn’t message any of the girls I saw on plenty of fish and that if they wanted it, they’d have to come and get it.

 I’ll be the first to say that I did nowhere near as well as Stef did. I think we’d talked about it once over the coarse of the week and she’d had far more hits than I’d had – but I’ll blame that on the aggressiveness of horny dudes and not whether or not girls liked my mug. I guess I got some decent hits – the cool thing about plenty of fish is that you can see everyone who’s looked at your profile (sort of like catching some broad staring at you from across the bar). As for messages, I’d say that girls generally wait for dudes to make the first move. I got a couple messages from girls but nothing worth pursuing beyond the internets.

 A Whale Of A Tale

 Overall, the quality of girls on plenty of fish wasn’t too bad. I know I said that I’d went in with low expectations but at some points I was surprised at how cute the broads could be. Once or twice I was even awestruck and couldn’t figure out why some of these girls would be on a dating site. But then it hit me – bitch got the angles.

Now for those of you who don’t know, the angles are a technique that girls use to hide qualities that they don’t like about themselves. If you’ve ever seen the typical emo picture with the birds eye view and the heavy bangs then you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes girls are trying to hide their weight – lady might have a few extra pounds that she wants to hide (hey I’m not judging, I’m a chubby chaser at heart). Sometimes girls don’t have such pretty faces – don’t be fooled, the angles can fix that too.

Now let’s just pretend for a second that I wasn’t so superficial (pfft, yeah right). Why couldn’t I find a girl on plenty of fish that I could connect with? After reading through a bunch of profiles and finding that girls apparently like a dude with tattoos, I thought I’d have been a shoe-in. But here’s where I think things went wrong.

 I completely fessed up to being a drunk and (probably) an asshole. I figure the girls on plenty of fish are there because they can’t do the bar scene and the bar scene is my scene. I have nothing in common with these girls and that’s fine with me. If internet dating works for you then that’s all fine and dandy – I never gave it a serious shot anyway. There’s something in my brain that just can’t handle courtship over the internet and that’s why you’ll never catch me on an eharmony commercial.

Come here gorgeous.

BY STEF

Some guys can make anything look good. I once had a fling with a babe who wore the nastiest old man clothes from Value Village, but mannnn was he hot. Very few dudes possess this sexy quality, but when we walk by one, we give him an appraising look and then, oops, we realize we’re biting down on our lip.

SEXY

T-SHIRTS 

Give me a white vneck on a decent chest (or better) and it’s on, baby. Love you long time. Tattoos poking through? Even better. Chest hair? Keep it to a minimum.

Tshirts featuring bands, skate companies, and the school you attend are also sexy as fuck. If a chick sees you wearing a band shirt and she likes the band too, you might not even have to approach her first. They’re THAT effective. And since I know most of you can’t approach a woman without 5+ drinks in you, this is a good thing.

As long as you keep your t-shirt free of mustard, you can’t lose. Fit is key.

PS. Notice how I did NOT include ED HARDY tshirts. This was NOT an oversight. That shit is nasty.

JEANS

MMMMMMMMMMMM.

Invest in good jeans. Guys who buy their jeans for $16 from TSC can get slapped. You do not buy your denim from the same store you buy a tig welder at. Are we clear? Oh, and a good fit is key. I don’t wanna see them too tight and I don’t wanna see them around your knees either. When you wear jeans, I wanna see your ass so I can imagine grabbing it with both hands.  Rrrraow.

Thank you.

CARHARTT ANYTHING

Oh.
My.
God. 

Every woman loves a guy who works with his hands. Blue-collar guys get the hottest babes and I’ll be the first to tell you, it’s those goddamn sexy Carhartt jackets and coveralls.  Delicious. Don’t stop.

SUNGLASSES

Summer’s here and I gotta say, you guys are looking DAMN fine in your new shades. Even average guys look 10x hotter in the summer with a tan and some Super’s on. And let’s not even mention the Persols and the Crooks & Castles wearers of the world.

So combine the above with your favourite non-stinky kicks, and we have ourselves a deal, boys.

Contrary to what most of you seem to think, we aren’t really that picky about what you wear, but there are a couple things we will NO LONGER TOLERATE.

UGLY

Striped shirts with plaid bottoms.

JUST STOP. Its gross! If you wear plaid shorts, pair it with a solid coloured polo.

Ballcaps with sweaty salt stains.

This is despicable. There is no excuse for this.

Flip flops

I’d say 5% of guys can wear flip flops.  If you want to wear them, you’re going to have to take care of your yellow-ass callused toenails. No compromise.

And finally the biggest turnoff about a guys wardrobe isssssssssss…..the SEASHELL NECKLACE.

You may as well have frosted tips. And if you wear seashell necklaces, chances are you already do have them.  Yuck!

Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?

BY CHAD
Dudes and broads have some very different opinions about what looks good. There are some things that girls wear that absolutely drive guys wild. At the same time though, girls can wear some pretty ridiculous things that make us either want to laugh out loud or puke. In this article I plan to shed some light on what guys like to see and what we have a problem getting behind when it comes to broads and their clothing.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Guys love a girl in tights. This shouldn’t come as a surprise since the very name of this article of clothing implies everything that guys are into when it comes to girls. So lets take this idea and run with it. Tights, body suits, those new lacey shirts that girls wear that are pretty much see through – all of them, bangin’, love it, keep it up ladies. Also, short shorts and sundresses – keep ‘em comin’ and keep my world looking beautiful. Low cut shirts and bright colours? sweet.  But here’s where the problem lies: girls wearing clothes that are out of season or improper fitting, my fucking lord this isn’t going to make me any friends…

Ugg Boots In May, June, July and August

I think this beef is pretty self-explanatory. I don’t mind Uggs in the middle of winter or even a chilly fall day but whenever it’s 25 degrees out and you’re sporting your Uggs with short shorts or a mini skirt then something isn’t clicking in your brain and I can tell. Also, if you’re going to wear your boots out of season, at least wash the salt stains off of them before llamas start nipping at your heels.

Crocs (Anytime)

Just because your purple crocs match your purple shirt doesn’t make them a good idea. Personally, I think you look like Barney. I get that they might be comfortable and you might not have gotten your toes done in months but there are better ways to cover up your witch feet than these silly articles of footwear.

Wool Socks With Anything In The Summer

This might seem like a good idea if you expect to get stranded in the fucking Himalayas on your way to the mall but for Christ’s sake you’re not a mountaineer and El Nino isn’t going to happen over night. Just like your Uggs, stash your big socks away for the summer months - and god help you if you think its okay to wear them with your sandals because you’re just running to the store for a minute. Retard.

Rain Boots (Without The Rain)

This one is a bit tough. A lot of the times I see broads in rain boots and I think it’s pretty cute – sort of makes me want to go splash around in puddles with them and then buy them some ice cream. But when the sun is shining and it’s 32 degrees out and I see you in your rain boots I start to wonder. I get that it hasn’t rained all that much this year but just deal with the luck of the draw and opt not to wear your wellies. It makes you look like a crazy broad and it makes me not want to sit by you on the bus. I’m sure there’s more condensation inside your boots than there is outside.

High-Waisted Cotton Skirts

I really don’t know any other name for these things besides calling them straight up ugly. They’re pretty much a combination of a skirt and a pair of gym shorts and they look just fucking awful. I firmly believe there is no way to make this garment look good to a male without giving it a beer pouch and making it see-through.

High-Waisted Jeans

There exists an article of clothing that blurs the lines between a normal pair of jeans and a pair of farmer’s overalls. This article is the high-waisted jean and it looks terrible. These pants aren’t flattering to the body in any sense and it looks like you’ve been swallowed by a denim python. So do us all a favour and save these things for the farm unless you want to look like a real barnyard animal.

Granny Panties

I know we shouldn’t be looking but sometimes it’s just right there in front of our eyes. Granny panties have to be one of the funniest ways to turn a guy off. Sporting these things is like waving the white flag of your sex life – you give up. Regardless of whether or not you mean to show them, they’re there and we’ll probably notice when you bend over. Do yourself a favour in this case and opt for something with a bit more sex appeal. A little goes a long way, if you know what I mean.

Disclaimer

Alright, so I know I’ll probably catch some flak for some of these things so allow me to explain a little bit. Some girls can pull of some of these things – I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions to the rules. Also, I’m sure some of the ladies will say that it’s not all about impressing guys. Sometimes girls wear things to look pretty and comfortable with themselves and other girls. That’s all fine and dandy – great for you, them, whoever. But when it comes to dudes, this is what’s up, this is my opinion and it’s all I can offer.

I missed the bus, and it is somethin' I will never ever do again.

BY STEF

Ohhhh the bus.

I am broke ass, so I ride the Cornwall express.  It’s a cakewalk compared to busses in any big city. But I have noticed there are different categories of people who ride the bus with me.  And they are…


1. Retards.

Allow me to clarify. I DO NOT consider people who are developmentally challenged to be “retards.’

No.

To me, “retards” (or “ruh-tards”) are people who are CAPABLE but REFUSE to act like human beings. Like people who know they should shower every day and wash their clothes, but don’t do it.

Last time I was on the bus, this gross, beyonnnnd stinky man sat in fronta me. I started holding my breath. Did not work.

Then I put on lip gloss so I could smell that instead. Useless effort. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved spots! And I felt bad because I didn’t want to insult him, buttttttt, change your underwear, fuck!

2. The people who get off the bus at Wal-Mart (self-explanatory) 


3. Loud dumb moms

This should’ve been number one. These are the WORST people you will come across on Cornwall Transit. First of all they haul their trashy asses onto the bus with 2-5 youngins. One kid always whizzes past everyone and goes right to the back. Then, loud dumb mom opens her her loud dumb mom mouth:

“NIIIIIIICHOLASSSSS!!  GET OVER HERE AND SIT WITH YOUR SISTER NEVEAH!” (yes, we know…it’s 'Heaven' spelled backwards, your kid’s definitely gonna make it.)

So the kids sit down and the bus driver keeps goin’.  Then the kids start looking out the window and playing in their seats and of then outta nowhere the loud dumb mom goes offfff and tells the kids she’ll slap them. 

Cause that’s effective.

4. The Ipod generation

Ahh these people are my favourite. First of all they shower regularly. Second, I am always curious to know what they’re listening to…sometimes people get really into it and they kinda sway to the beats. It's bus culture.


5.Front seaters

These are regulars who have become best friends with the bus drivers. They sit in the closest available seat to the bus driver. In my town, these (often special) passengers consist mostly of retired grampas, people who wear funny ballcaps, and divorcees.

I'm taking the bus tomorrow. 

(Cwick here fo' some Kwiss Kwoss)

Bus Stop Blues (I Can't Get Behind Some Of The Shit I See On The Bus)

BY CHAD
No doubt you've all had to ride the bus sometime in your life, I know I have (unfortunately I have to take the bus every day). And, by the same token, I'm sure you've all noticed what kind of filthy fucking scum ride the bus. So let me take a moment to reach out my fellow public transit goers. 

First off , just because you ride the bus doesn't mean you have to give up looking decent - even in the most basic sense. Don't wear your grimy faded sweatpants when you go out; nobody cares to see the fingerpaint stains from 5 years ago when you went to Everest college. The same goes for the smell of said sweatpants (or maybe it's just your dirty ass underarms), realize that there are other people around you and that have no desire to smell what you're cookin'.

Secondly, the bus isn't your fucking living room. You don't need 20 bags with you when you use public transit. It's called public transit for a reason; if it were private then I wouldn't be gumming you out for packing all your daughters rancid teddies. On that note, one stroller is fine, babies are alright in my books - but when you cart your kids like a caravan through the desert and then decide to put them on my bus, you can get fucked. There isn't enough room on the bus for a trainload of humans who can't stand upright. So don't bring a multitude of bags, excessive numbers of strollers, and for god's sake don't put your fucking feet on the seats, this isn't a recliner. 

If you can't read the signs on the bus then you shouldn't be able to ride the bus in the first place. The seats at the front of the bus are not for kids with skateboards or chubby dudes reading a book. They're for anyone who would have a problem sitting in a regular bus seat so give it up if you're young and capable. If you ride a bike and decide that you don't want to pedal anymore you should probably get hit by a car and ride in an ambulance. Don't wait at a bus stop with your stupid fucking bicycle and then take 5 minutes rigging it to the front of the bus just because you're tired. I'm judging you.

PDA on the bus. what the fuck? I get that you're 17 and that you're hormones are going wild but save it for your bedroom. The last thing I want to see is a pair of dirty teens necking on the bus when I'm trying to get from A to B. Holding hands is fine, it's a great way to show your significant other that they're more than a scrap of trash but draw the line there. Besides, haven't you seen the cow with the multitude of strollers at the front of the bus? Do you really want to end up like that?

I'm sure there are a bunch of decent people that ride the bus, but I rarely see them. For me at least, riding the bus is like shitting in a public washroom. You don't like to do it but it gets you where you need to be. So please, for those of us who are normal and civil, wear decent clothes, don't sit where you're not supposed to and don't be an asshole.

Cool Your Jets: Things Girls Need To Get Over

BY CHAD

So your boyfriend doesn’t come over when he’s supposed to, or he won’t wear the new shirt you bought him. Whether it’s a long term relationship or one as fresh as summer strawberries, girls need to know a few things about dudes.

1. No, We Don’t Like To Dress Up

There isn’t a single thing that’s comfortable about wearing pleated pants above your belly button. We don’t like to have our mothers hem dress pants just so that we can step through the stitching the first time we put them on. Nobody likes to put on a god damn dress shirt and sit through grandma’s 90^th birthday bash. We do it for you. Understand that it shows you that we care. So just be happy that we showed up in something more presentable than a tuxedo t-shirt.

2. We Don’t Have A Day Planner Or A Calendar Or Even A Watch

What I mean to say is that we don’t have a set schedule. For the most part we’re pretty easy going. There are a few things that are certain though. When we’re hungry, we’re going to eat. When we’re sleepy, we’re going to sleep. And when it’s party time, it’s party time. Period. Nothing else needs to be set in stone. So when you ask what time we’re picking you up for your grandma’s birthday jam, all we can give you is an approximate time. But don’t pretend like we’re never waiting on you – miss ionlytaketenminutestogetready.

3. Regardless Of What You Think, You Can Be Fucking Condescending

You know how everyone’s always bashing that broad with 8 kids for being such a cunt to her asian husband? Well, she’s not the only one with a pointy stick in her keaster. All girls have the potential to overdo it sometimes and that’s fine, everybody goes overboard at one time or another. The important part to remember is that this shouldn’t be an every day occurrence. When you come over 10 minutes before we’re supposed to go to dinner with your parents and we’re still wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt, think before you speak. Don’t start calling us every name you’ve ever heard or blaming us for the clouds in the sky. Blowing up for no serious reason just makes us think of flying the coop.

3.5 Don’t Think You Know The Whole Story

Wanting to spend a night out with some buddies is no reason to turn ugly. But when you tell us that we never want to spend time with you or that we don’t care you are just shoveling coal into the furnace of the train on the way to Dumpsville. At the same time, catching us scoping some random girl walking down the street is no reason to go batty – we’re dudes and it doesn’t mean we love you any less.

Guys are guys and there are a lot of things that we’re going to do that are going to boggle your mind. Let some things slide and if you can’t do that, then talk to us before you lose your shit. It might be that we want a night out because one of our dudes has a birthday or that the girl we were scoping has such a nasty, gnarly camel toe that it makes us love you even more.

4. We’re Not Made Of Velcro

A lot of guys are guilty of this one too. But when we’re at the bar or out with friends there is no reason for you to be permanently fused to your lover. It’s great that you want to show us that you care, but save it for the bedroom. There’s something a little overpowering about being clingy and it’s not an attractive quality.

5. Passive Aggressiveness Is A Big Problem

We’re not stupid. We know that when you say you’re fine, you’re not fine.  So why not come out and just say it? Quit with the head games and be straight up for once. When has being passive aggressive ever worked for you before? When you say you’re fine, we leave it at that do what we want anyway. So for the sake of both of us, just say how you feel. Dudes want to extinguish a bad situation as soon as possible and passive aggressiveness just adds fuel to the fire.

6. We Like When You Like Things That We Like

…and we like immature things. Things like farts are usually fun. So don’t pretend that you don’t want to smell what we’re cooking, it’s a gift from us to you!

No, seriously though. Don’t rag us for liking something that you’re not into. Teasing here and there isn’t so bad but when you can’t stand one of our passions, maybe it’s time to hit the road. If we invite you to see a band that you don’t particularly like, just suck it up and come. We do it because we want you to like what we like. And besides, how many times have we watched shit like Twilight just because we couldn’t say no to your cute little mug?

That’s it. Well, not really but you get the point. If you’re listening right then the lesson in life is not playing the role of the let down.

Shut Up Already: 7 Things Guys Must Get Over.

BY STEF

You want a happy relationship? You want a girlfriend? Even if you just want a hot girl to make you a sandwich and clean up after, this is something you should read.

Guys are always complaining about their women. Then there are the single guys who sit around and complain about “bitches” and wonder why they can’t find a good one.

I asked a few male friends what drives them nuts about women.   

These were the most popular answers.


        1. WE ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS

Yes, we are female. We ASK QUESTIONS. It helps us figure shit out, so we can plan accordingly. So we can be ready for anything. Would it kill you to just answer these questions? Because I guarantee they will benefit you in the end.

Ex.:

Lila: “What time are you going to play poker with the guys?”

Kurt: “Soon.”

Lila: “Do you know around what time that will be?”

Kurt: “After lunch.”

Lila:  “‘Til what time, Kurt?”

Kurt: “I don’t know, woman?!? Why do you always ask so many questions?”

Lila [now pissed]: “Argh...Forget it, Kurt!”

Kurt thinks Lila is asking way too many questions. But little does he know, she’s only asking him this because she wants to plan her day. She wants to know if she has enough time to buy something sexy, pick up some groceries and make an amazing dinner for him, plus have time to shave and have a glass of wine before he gets back.

But nooo, Kurt fucked it up!

2. WE SAY ONE THING, WE MEAN ANOTHER

Alright, I’ll admit it, we do this. A lot. This is a tricky one, because even the best girls sometimes can’t explain why they do this to you. But sometimes there’s a good reason for it.

One of my girlfriends was recently in bed with her boyfriend having sex. Everything was going great until it wasn’t. He couldn’t keep a steady rhythm and she was getting tired of having to tell him what to do. She couldn’t focus, but she didn’t wanna hurt his feelings. So she told him to just go ahead and finish.

“Are you sure?” he asked quickly.

“Ya, ya, it’s fine.”

So he finished.
And she was pissed. He couldn’t understand why she was mad…I mean, she said it was FINE.

That right there, guys, is a no-brainer. I don’t think I’m blowing the lid off a big secret by telling you that when you have sex with a woman, she wants to get off just as much as you do.
Put in the work or buy her a vibrator.

Our kind will never stop saying one thing and meaning another, but you knowing that the word “FINE” is a red flag, is your first lesson.

3. BOYS AND GIRLS CAN BE FRIENDS

Ok. We have guy friends. And we love them. Just because you’re not friends with anyone you wouldn’t bang, doesn’t mean we can’t be. For girls, male friends are safe bets.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” 

We get compliments from these guys, treated nicely pretty much unconditionally. Every chick will benefit from having guys in her life she doesn’t have sex with. And you need to stop being jealous and see it for the gift it truly is. Imagine your girlfriend going to hang out with her male friend. She talks his ear off about her girl problems, then comes home to you.  Not only do you get some free time while she’s gone, but she gets allllllllll her talking out before she gets home.

4.  WE LIKE PORN TOO

Ok, so maybe this one is one of our complaints.  But it’s something you need to get over and get INTO.

Every girl’s dated that guy who deletes his porn history after he watches it.

Here’s a little secret, you’re not very good at hiding it. Because, we know how much you enjoy viewing the  “double creampie.” And though that’s not our thing, we actually do want to watch porn with you. Especially since your 6-minute attempt at giving us an orgasm followed by chicken wings and Mike Rowe just isn’t cutting it lately. 

5. WE STRESS OVER OUR BODIES

No matter how hot you think we are, there are probably 2-5 things we dislike about our bodies at any given time. These things we hate are interchangeable. One day it could be our eyeliner and ass.  The next it could be armpit tank-top fat, smudgy nail polish and frizzy hair.

It all depends on a very wide range of elements. Which includes but is not limited to: our available wardrobe, prep time, humidity level, stomach fat, contents of last meal, horoscope, moon cycle, menstrual cycle and what magazine we read that day.

6. WE KEEP TOO MUCH JUNK IN THE SHOWER

This one kills me.

YES, we DO need 3 bottles of shampoo, 2 bottles of conditioner, 1 loofah, 1 pedicure volcano rock, one facial exfoliant, 1 mud mask and 3 different razors in the shower.
You want us to look hot? Well this is what it takes.
You think it takes up too much room? Well who cleans the fuckin’ bathroom?
Who wipes your pubes up the one, maybe two, times a season you trim your fucking hedge?

And don’t get us started on electrolysis, microdermabrasion and brazilian bikini waxes.

You want a smokin’ hot woman? At the very least, get a friggin’ shower caddy.

IS THIS what’s stopping you from getting laid everyday? REALLY, though?

7.  PMS

Yup. You hate it. Well guess what…So do we! Ya! Surpise, fuck! We HATE that shit too! And those new sarcastic tampon commercials you see on tv…are only the tip of the iceberg.

We can all agree on one thing. Periods fucking suck.

You remember that time you asked me to go kayaking and I said no? It’s not cause I’m “high maintenance,” which is what you told your friends.  It’s because I didn’t want to see my tampon expand like on tv commercials while I’m stuck in a mawfuckin’ kayak, BRO.

Everyone hates periods. And yes, we’re GONNA be “see-you-next-tuesdays” for up to one week a month. And we’re soooo happy we have you around to remind us of that. 

Smart guys benefit from this monthly week from hell.  They play their cards right, act extra nice, and are the proud recipients of Grade A blowjobs for an entire week. 'Cause on top of being bitchy, girls get really horny on their periods.

Just saying. A week of beeges…it doesn’t have to be a daydream.

So just have a little extra patience with us sometimes. Imagine the reward! God, we see you put more effort into your fantasy football pools!