STEF: Eat, babies, this bowl of fiction.

So I'm highjacking my own blog. Not to say mean things about your life, though. I just finished reading this book by Douglas Coupland. Good stuff. It's gets the wheels spinnin'. At one point, five people who are part of a scientific research are forced to invent stories on the spot. Meanwhile, they're being fed cells of each other's brains (in these jell-o shot sorta things) in order to create a hive mind.  Good read.

Well, it inspired me to write my own made up story on the spot. And here it is.
____
Something lingers in my mind like a big-bellied spider hanging from a slimy thread.

I swat at the spider. It curls, and it uncurls its bony, spiny legs. I am upset.

Something shifts. It was not my wish.

I am plagued by thoughts of impending doom.

I re-evaluate my need for medication. The vodka, the cigarettes, the pot and the caffeine cannot fix me.

I gauge my happiness. I focus quickly on the last time I felt extremely happy. I was alone. I was happy alone.  I no longer have any use for you.

Summer has ended. I know this because the moon was crisp tonight. I was chilly in shorts and it was barely ten o’clock. That’s when things became problematic. I did not feel the same. It was nine o’clock, and then it was ten o’clock. The two did not touch.

A door opened, and I shuffled inside.

I darted through a cardboard tube into a maze.  I had always been part of this experiment. It usually happened the same way.

We each have our own maze. Chances are, yours will always be the same. Made up mostly of right angles, the occasional curve.

But I am different. I am from Lot 17. Because as I race through the maze that occupies my physical 

being, I am also struggling with a much more complicated puzzle, the maze in my mind. Through it,
I stumble in the dark, my intuition a mouse barely using its whiskers as they brush up hastily against the walls of my human self’s brain.

Unlike the maze I currently scurry through, frantically, the mind maze features not one piece of cheese.

I’ve never made it through the maze in my head. I get close, sometimes I’m right there. And then, like a snow globe the maze in my mind shakes up and then Etch-A Sketches its way into a brand new one.

On these days, I do not fare well.

On these days, I can barely focus on work.

Then I remember being alone.

Right now the maze is crowded with rats. It is hot in the maze and I cannot breathe. I am repulsed by my own kind. I run into the maze walls, searching for the end to the heat.

I long for winter. It was what I needed. I focused so well.

I begin to remember the coldest day last year. The foggy breath that escaped my mouth, feverishly like the steam from the tea kettle when I walked in the door.

And suddenly, I am out of the maze.

I am in my room. My pupils retract violently and I’m only left with a cool ocean stare.

Autumn arrives.

I shed my skin of summer and leave the rats behind, their tails springing off the walls of the maze as they scurry blindly, pausing only for cigarette breaks.

I am back on two feet. I am out of the maze, standing above it. The sight disgusts me. I reach a naked hand into the maze, focused to the upper left corner.

I grab the fattest, most repulsive rat and watch its browned, exposed teeth. I squeeze the rodent with vigor and watch its eyes bulge only moments before biting off its head.

I could go for a cup of tea.

STEF: a message

I got somethin' to say, bitches! :) Check up on it soon

CHAD: Everybody Poops

I know, I never wanted to believe it either but the fact of the matter is that everybody poops. Mom poops, dad poops, even your girlfriend poops. But pooping is one of those things that goes down behind closed doors (literally) and it’s usually better off left there. There are times, however, when poop creeps out of its dark room and punches you square in the nose. You can’t deny it. So how do you deal with your lover and poop.

In some relationships (especially at first), poop is a subject that’s off limits. Nobody comes back to a restaurant table and explains the girth of the dump they just took to the special lady across the table. If you do, then you’re an idiot (awesome, but an idiot). At the same time, you’re not going to point out the fact that the corn your girlfriend is currently eating will make a second appearance later tonight at the porcelain palace. These things just aren’t talked about.

In some cases, couples are even afraid to talk about pooping’s little brother, farting. That’s just silly, everyone knows that farting is hilarious and that it helps to keep things fun and fresh in your relationship: from bubbles in the pool to dutch ovens, the possibilities are endless. Also, lets not forget about queefing - the female equivalent of farting. It’s an equally funny phenomenon and it doesn’t provide us with the nose busting flavour of the butt trumpet roar. So get over farting at least.

Maybe once your relationship progresses you’ll make some (turtle)headway. But there’s no getting past it. Pooping around the opposite sex is weird. The best way to deal with it (and I’m offering my expert opinion here) is to play it off like no big thang. I just like to think of it as a aromatic symbol of my manhood. This is what I’m capable of, you should be thankful to bask in the musk of my brew.

Alright, so maybe you don’t share my skewed view about crappy creations so I can only offer you a few other suggestions. Keep your washroom stocked with aerosol sprays – but for god’s sake, not the peach smelling kind, nothing smells worse than a mash up of poo and peaches. A nice powerful flower spray will do; shop around and try a few different scents until you find something that works for you.
Even better and much more economical is a pack of matches. Nothing kills the smell of poo like the burning of a match. Just make sure to throw the match in the toilet and not in the garbage can. There’s nothing more embarrassing than setting the garbage on fire while trying to mask the scent of your dump.
But if you want to hide the smell of your doodie in a romantic way, try the match and candle combination. Your lover might overlook the whole pooping thing and opt for a sexy dip in the tub.

STEF: called the shit poop

Ahhhh new relationships… The butterflies, the politeness, the back scratches, the surrendering of the remote control. Girls and guys know it’s really important to prolong this stage for as long as possible.

But, starting a new relationship does have its shortcomings.  I recently started dating someone and had my first sleepover at his place. No, we did not bang. We chilled out and then we passed out. And I gotta admit, it’s really awesome to wake up beside someone and not want to peace out immediately in your bar clothes.

But I digress.

When we wake up, he hops up outta bed, turns his swag on and goes to pick us up some coffee. I drink iced coffee, no base, a LITTLE bit of milk and one sugar. But I was so stoked my babe was goin’ to grab me a coffee that I didn’t even go all Starbucks on my order. I just said “iced coffee please.”

So he gets back and I see this tall icy plastic cup full of coffee, and I can tell by the creamy beige colour that the Tim Hortons bitch freepoured 18% cream into that fucker like it was hers.

But I am so thirsty from drinkin’ all that vodka the night before, I don’t give a fuck.

I down it.

Then me and my guy are sittin’ outside and, it hits me. I’m going to have to poop. 

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

And right there, like Harry from Dumb & Dumber, I feel the gurgle.  I am no longer in control. I am now a special ops soldier whose camp is about to get blitzed due to failed recon action. I have to make a move.

“Um, babe, I’m gonna take a shower.”

I book it up the stairs and I faintly hear him say something about there being towels in the closet. At this point I am actually sweating. I’m THAT scared of the most normal universal function of living organisms.

So I do what any girl would do in my situation.

I lock the door.
I turn on the tap.
I turn on the fan.
I quickly scan the room for perfume, hairspray, and bathroom spray.
I turn on the shower.

When most girls use the washroom, we do NOT fuck around. We don’t read and we certainly don’t relax.  

Then there’s the two part flush. The Courtesy & The Follow-Up.

I know what you’re thinking, but let me explain.

In my last relationship, I had zero problems even having a conversation in the bathroom with my boyfriend while either of us was takin’ a shit. I don’t know how we got to that comfort zone, but I can assure you it did not happen overnight.

Now that I’m with a new guy, it’s like all of a sudden my asshole is scared shitless. Hahah Sorry. That was gross, even for me.  But seriously, I DREAD going to the bathroom WAYYYY before it’s time to go.  I can’t even enjoy a meal anymore without thinking about the consequences.

“Do you want hot sauce in your pasta baby?” NO!
“Chinese food at 10pm?” NO!
“Black beans in your chicken salad?” FUCK NO!!

However since I’m usually stoned around dinnertime, I dive right in and take that hot sauce.  Why? Because it’s fuckin delicious. And…everybody poops.

I wasn’t sure if I was the only person so stressed over the ol’ Number Two.

My wise friend Mat Drouin laid it out for me. He claims there are “levels” when it comes to shitting at your honey's place for the first time.

LEVEL ONE:  “DON’T DO IT.”

LEVEL TWO:  “Once the comfort level starts to come around, offer to go get her a Timmy's and crunch one out real quick then hit the drive through.”

LEVEL THREE: “If no one else is home, use the toilet that is the least used in the home.. If youre in your home, you know where the goods are,. If you're at her place, you need to know this by Level 3.”

(I was happy to see that he, too, did the air freshener assessment for his business)

Drouin goes on:

“The trouble with the unused bathroom is that sometimes it has no door, then we have ourselves a huge dilemma - we're back to LEVEL ONE.”

He listed a few more levels and I realized, we all share these poop ethics, but we rarely discuss them.

Why do we have so many hangups about it?

My friend Holly has a great attitude when it comes to building the ol’ log cabin.

“Sorry... but when ya gotta go, ya gotta go... If you don't eat, you don't shit and if you don't shit, you die.”

Dumb and Dumber Toilet Funny Scene - A funny movie is a click away

CHAD: Drunk Bros & Broads

When guys and girls grab a case of beer, shit can go down. I’ll be the first to admit that I drink more than your average chud. But even though I drink a lot, I’ve been told that I’m pretty much the same dude with or without alcohol. Unfortunately though, this isn’t the case for everyone. Alcohol changes a lot of people for better or worse. In this article I’m going to run through the differences between girls and guys when alcohol is thrown into the mix.

Liquid Hero

This self-proclaimed tough guy at the bar is going to lose his shit after 4 or 5 beers. He’s the type of dude that goes out with a chip on his shoulder looking for a fight because his ex-girlfriend (of three girlfriends ago) is talking to another guy. This dude has no fucking logic whatsoever and he’ll use any excuse he can to fight. If he wasn’t enough of a chud before then he will be when he spills his beer and calls it your fault.

Bros At The Bar

No matter where you go you’ll find bros at the bar. I shouldn’t have to go into it but they’re the frosted tip, pink shirt, popped collar, shell necklace sort of tools. They storm the bar like an ass fucking conga line for idiots looking for pussy, but don’t mind when they leave the bar to go home and suck dick. If you can’t pick out a bro by his sense of style then you’ll surely be able to recognize one when he call for jaggerbombs or SHOTS!

Drunk Love

The greasy fucking spick at the bar who’s always grinding up on birds and getting more than a bit too close. I get that alcohol removes a lot of inhibitions and eliminates some personal boundaries but there’s a fucking limit here. Some of the shit I see going down is borderline rape.

Team Drunk Love

The couple that goes out to the bar together and can’t bare to let their baby boy or girl out of sight. They hold each other all night at the bar like an abused puppy who’s befriended a broken furby. This whole situation begs the question of why they just didn’t stay home in the first place. When I’m scoping broads at the bar I don’t need to see people in love, that’s not what going to the bar is all about.

Bar Star

This bitch is done up to the 9’s with fake fucking everything. Her nails match her toes and everything in between is probably made of the same kind of plastic. She never pays for drinks because Bro’s and Mr. Drunk Love (see above) are more than willing to do anything they can for her. She’d probably fit best on an episode of Jersey Shore selling t-shirts and then getting fired, because as her looks suggest, she can’t do anything right.

Gina’s and Guidettes

My fucking lord, I don’t think there’s anything I hate more. I can’t stand their fucking high heels or their stupid club shirts or even their dumbass boyfriends. Fortunately I don’t frequent the same sorts of bars that these people do. These are the girls that hog all the cabs on a Saturday night because they can’t walk half a block in their fucking high shoes. If you can imagine how much time they spent getting ready and then subtract how much time they actually spend looking good at the bar you’d end up with a negative number and you’d probably feel dumber for having thought about it in the first place. No amount of alcohol can make a Guidette look good because this type of girl doesn’t come with a mute button.

Big Girls At The Bar

Big Girls are probably your best bet at the bar if you’re looking to have a good time. They’re usually rad as fuck and a lot of the time they have good stories to tell. Often they can drink more than your average girl and there’s always a chance that if you get drink enough, you’ll be in the right sort of state to take them home for some fun.

Average Broads

Plain and simple, average girls are the ones that look the best at the bar. They’re well put together and not looking for anything out of the ordinary. They genuinely look like they’re having a good time and that ups their attraction factor. Sure they might get bombed as tits the odd time – we’ve all seen the hog stumbling down the road with no shoes on – but they’re the ones you can take home to mom. But ladies, please try to keep quiet at 4 in the morning when your friend is walking away with some dude from the bar. Nobody likes a loud mouth and nobody likes a gamekiller.

STEF: Drunk Bros & Broads

First of all, it’s been a while since Chad and I said something mean about your life…and we apologize for the delay. One would even suggest that it’s because we are both busy getting laid by the catch of the day we found in our Plenty of Fish nets. But truthfully it’s probably more realistic to say that we both just don’t have A/C and we have been so busy taking 5 showers a day in this recent heatwave that we don’t give a fuhhhk about you needing something to read when you’re being bored in your government job with A/C and a Reitman’s cardigan. Gahhhh. Fuck you in your dental benefits. Oh, and thanks for letting us swim in your pool last week. You’re the best, babe.

Now let’s focus on the topic at hand.

Drunk Bros & Broads

Haaaaa. Where do I even BEGIN?

Let’s start with the BOYS.

The other night I went out to the bar at about 1am on a full moon after sippin’ back a few modest beers. I was buzzed, but the second I walked in, I became sober, and felt I was walking into a zoo.

Everywhere I looked, alpha males like monkeys swingin’ from tree to tree and beatin’ their chests. Fights waiting to break out and drinks splashed us from everywhere, splashing girls freshly painted toes.

We’ve all been trashed once or thirty times, but guys definitely beat the shit out of sobriety every friggin’ Friday. Bet you can remember the last guy you saw pullin’ one of these….

#1.  “O’DOYLE RULES!!!!!”

It began in the schoolyard and it happens every night. Guys love to get really wasted and yell pretty much anything really loudly. Whether they’re hollering a buddy’s name or growling a red-faced, veiny,  “Fuuuuck yeahhh” this is just one of those things. One of those instinctive behaviours reserved for the kings of the Jagermeister jungle.

#2. Passing out and drawing on each other.

#3. Peeing your name on snow, asphalt or Claire Antoine’s rosebushes. (Mat Drouin, I’m talkin to you!)

#4. Driving drunk. This one is just dumb.

#5. Projectile everything

For guys who play so many videogames, you actually suck at life at real targets. You piss all over but that’s on any given day. You guys don’t just do that drunk.  Any girl dumb enough to play house knows that. When you ARE drunk, however, you puke your faces out allll over the place.  On your shoes, on the subway, on your buddy. On your mom, fuck. I was there. Don’t act like you don’t remember your family reunion ;).  Puke in the toilet, you fucks.

And now, we move onto the ladies

Ohhhh god. You’re 18. You spent your paycheck on a boob top, or a slinky metallic minidress, some kohl liner and a mickey of peach schnapps for the way up. Oh, and some crumpled 5’s you tossed to the DD. And just like ya planned, you get DRRRRRUNK. Remember what you did last night?

New Nick Swardson Video! Album Drops October 13th. Watch more top selected videos about: Nick Swardson

This video pretty much sums it up. Drunk girls are awesome. Maybe I’m biased. Umm girls wear ridiculous heels to a bar and by the time the night is almost over, the strangest thing happens. Our feet actually stop working. Well, our ankles. We just start pullin’ a Bambi right and left. And do you know what each drunk girl says when that starts happening…

#1. “I’m not even drunk”

#2. Bathroom heart to hearts

Some of the most fascinating conversations happen when drunk girls hit a bathroom. You’ve got the girls in the mirror, fixing their hair & makeup and telling themselves:

“Wow, I definitely do look drunk. And yet I feel amazing. Oh well, let’s do some SHOTS!!!!!”

#3. Taking pictures

OHHH god. Girls LOVE to take pictures when they are drunk. Flashbulbs go offfffff  and they have 200 pictures of every Friday night. Ashley Belmore, I’m lookin’ at you girlfriend. And the world needs these girls. They spread joy, not chlamydia.

#4. Crying.
Happy crying, sad crying, it all goes down.

#5.The drunk dial

Ohhhh, this could be the equivalent of driving drunk and hitting your grandmother. This is a universal shared characteristic of the intoxicated female. This can involve texting exes, current flings, possible flings, driving instructors and a California chiropractor. What? It happened to a friend.

#6.  Detective Afterparty.

Don’t even pretend you never stuck around a bar to find an afterparty.  Many girls have braved very cold nights breathing frigid glass air outside the bar just waiting for access to that warm, hazy, candle and pot smoke filled afterparty.  And while they wait, they walk up to the bouncers and say in a singsong voice: “Can I just wait inside for one minute?” The best thing to do in this situation, girls, is to peace out.

Ok so that sums up  my fave things guys and gals do when they’re loaded! Am I forgetting anything? Let us know!

*Disclaimer: Mat Drouin did not piss on Claire Antoine’s hedges. His brother did.

Stef joins Plenty of Fish

BY STEF

Online dating. What just popped in your head when I said that?

It was probably a mixture of mockery and maybe partial shame for ever having thought “Maybe I should check it out…”

So in order to save you the embarrassment, dear friends, we've decided to pick this as a topic for our blog.  We sign up for plentyoffish.com (‘cause it’s free) and decide to stick to it for one week. 

Using our REAL names, REAL locations, and REAL information.

The Pre-Game Warm Up

Before even starting the application, I already feel anxiety. Online dating is some kinda huge taboo in life. Right up there with Comic Con and butt sex. But I digress.

So as I'm googling the website, I start thinking about the horror stories from AMW.

The stalkers, the people with checkered pasts, the fake profiles…

Some people must use it sincerely, though, right?  So then, why don’t we hear the good stories about online dating?

 “Because no one wants to admit how they met. It’s the inside joke of the online dating world,” says my friend Jillian,  an Outdoor Rec. & Leisure student from Brock University who has tried the site.

And she’s exactly right. I have never met a couple who said they met online.

It’s the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” of the eharmonys of the world.

Ugh. I can't believe I have to use this site for a week. 

Here we go.  Now I feel like I pretty much have a tshirt on that says “I really am that desperate.”

The first thing I see on the homepage is this:

“We've been on magazine covers featured in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, The Today Show, CNN, FOX and hundreds of others."

 Ok..so this site is endorsed by CNN and FOX. This is starting off great.

Then it asks me to choose a username. I freeze in panic. I definitely don’t want to put my real name, considering I'm about to be posting my friggin' picture on it for all of Cornwall to see. They might even think I'm one of them!

I start silently cursing Chad too because he gets to put Waterloo as his current city.

The Plenty of Fish homepage goes on to say:

"But the vast majority of you hear about us because your friends have had a really good experience using our site.”

Um, nooo actually, that's nowhere near being true.

But oh well, here goes nothing. 

The Application Process

It all starts with a chemistry test. Like most girls I know, I like a good quiz so I start answering seriously. And then it just goes on. And on. And I just start wizzin' through the answers.

So I get this whole report on the kind of person Plenty of Fish thinks I am. They judge me based on five things.

Self-Confidence

Family Orientation

Self-Control.

Openness

Easygoingness (which actually is a word, I checked)

Sorry, but, if you can't assess your own self on based on that criteria, then it makes perfect sense as to why you'd join this website.

Rusty Tin Cans & the Plastic Rings That Held Them...

...izz what I found in the Sea. And sure, there are plenty of fish, alright.  Guppies.

After deciding on a username that was light and as PG as possible as to ward off any pervs, I decided on Sunlover26. 

Well, I start getting all these messages. What do I doooo? Luckily my friend Jill whom I mentioned earlier gave me a couple tips about navigating the site. When you click on a thumbnail of someone, that person finds out you looked at their profile, suggesting you could be remotely interested in them. On the flipside, you can see exactly who checked you out.

In my short week on the site here are some of the messages I received from dudes.

“ hi there ,ok this may seem a little

forward and

im sorry

for thatyuy

I am a amature photographer thats

looking to

expand my knowledge of portrait and

human photography, i just stumbled

across

your profile and you have such amazing

features that i would love to take your

pictur”

Ya, OK buddy.

Another one:

“Go on cam for me.”

This guy is clearly out of his Jules Verne mind cause I am 20 000 leagues above him.

Then there's white-haired Francois, in a cowboy hat, who thought he was being funny when he wrote:


"Hello, special from the gerant this week.. 155pounds of pure me, only 1,79$pnd...
Most try with red wine, and sea foods..."

GAG.

But my absolute favourite message of the week was:

"I am just wondering if chatting with an older married man is totally out of the question for you?"

WOWWWW. I told him he should probably see what his wife thought about it. Wahhh, this guy was definitely a straight shooter!

I couldn’t imagine wanting to meet up with someone on this site, but I have a friend who used it before. I asked my friend Jamie what type of people she met.

“Desperate people,” she said, laughing. “I used it 'cause I was a stay at home mom. It was convenient for me but you meet fuckin weirdos. They’re usually always weirdos.”

Jamie, now married, went on to tell me about someone she met online. She starts laughing:

“His name was Patrick. We went out on a date. He ended up running up and down a raccoon ten times, while I was in the passenger seat…I’m FRRREAKING out. It was our first date.”

We kept talking about the type of people you meet online and I will admit, there appears to be somewhat normal people who join. Just not many.

Catch of the day

Although I am single, I discovered I’m not really looking for a soulmate online. We all want to find the right person, but there is something just really unnatural about pursuing a partner on the net. I mean, you go online to find a pair of shoes. Or to pay a bill. Not to get a boyfriend. So why do people continue to join?

My friend Jill said:

 “In one day you lock eyes with one guy, maybe two guys max. You get a casual smile and nothing will ever come of it. Whereas, on Plenty of Fish it’s like everyday you go on. Eight new people just looked at you in an hour. So then it’s like,'I’m hot, yeah I’m hot.'"

So now, as I retire my Plenty of Fish jersey (for life hopefully), I have this to say: if you wanna use it, use it. But if you wanna wade through a lot of the crap, sign up for a site you pay a monthly fee for. Yeah, you’re gettin’ robbed, but there are probably less pigs.

Chad joins Plenty of Fish

BY CHAD Alright, I’m going to tell it how it is. It seems there’s no other way to slice it – internet dating is weird.  In this article I plan to go over the ins and outs of how Plenty of Fish works and how it may or may not be right for you (most likely not, you pathetic little bastard).

 Just Like Applying For Welfare

Not that I’ve ever applied for welfare but I’m sure the process is just as humiliating. It’s pretty basic – fill out a profile of the kinds of things you like and what you’re looking for and then you’re ready to start fishing. It goes without saying that posting a picture will get you more hits than not posting one at all. Similarly, the quality of said picture and how good you look in it will also help determine who might come-a-knockin’.

For me, I just threw up the picture that I had on my facebook page – nothing difficult and nothing complicated (I wasn’t going to go out of my way to impress – what I believed to be – a bunch of hogs who couldn’t find anyone in the real world). When they prompted me to write a little bit about myself I told them the truth – just a dude who likes beer and tattoos and music, that’s it, that’s all (yeah, I don’t blame broads for not wanting me either). So overall, the application process is pretty simple; you could be out there scoping your future husband/wife or stage 5 in no time.

Plenty Of Fish In The Sea

I went in with very low expectations and didn’t expect to find anyone or anything of value out there. I figured that all the broads on this website would just be a bunch of poor, pathetic pigs that couldn’t get a date in the real world. So before going ahead with this idea I told myself that I wouldn’t message any of the girls I saw on plenty of fish and that if they wanted it, they’d have to come and get it.

 I’ll be the first to say that I did nowhere near as well as Stef did. I think we’d talked about it once over the coarse of the week and she’d had far more hits than I’d had – but I’ll blame that on the aggressiveness of horny dudes and not whether or not girls liked my mug. I guess I got some decent hits – the cool thing about plenty of fish is that you can see everyone who’s looked at your profile (sort of like catching some broad staring at you from across the bar). As for messages, I’d say that girls generally wait for dudes to make the first move. I got a couple messages from girls but nothing worth pursuing beyond the internets.

 A Whale Of A Tale

 Overall, the quality of girls on plenty of fish wasn’t too bad. I know I said that I’d went in with low expectations but at some points I was surprised at how cute the broads could be. Once or twice I was even awestruck and couldn’t figure out why some of these girls would be on a dating site. But then it hit me – bitch got the angles.

Now for those of you who don’t know, the angles are a technique that girls use to hide qualities that they don’t like about themselves. If you’ve ever seen the typical emo picture with the birds eye view and the heavy bangs then you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes girls are trying to hide their weight – lady might have a few extra pounds that she wants to hide (hey I’m not judging, I’m a chubby chaser at heart). Sometimes girls don’t have such pretty faces – don’t be fooled, the angles can fix that too.

Now let’s just pretend for a second that I wasn’t so superficial (pfft, yeah right). Why couldn’t I find a girl on plenty of fish that I could connect with? After reading through a bunch of profiles and finding that girls apparently like a dude with tattoos, I thought I’d have been a shoe-in. But here’s where I think things went wrong.

 I completely fessed up to being a drunk and (probably) an asshole. I figure the girls on plenty of fish are there because they can’t do the bar scene and the bar scene is my scene. I have nothing in common with these girls and that’s fine with me. If internet dating works for you then that’s all fine and dandy – I never gave it a serious shot anyway. There’s something in my brain that just can’t handle courtship over the internet and that’s why you’ll never catch me on an eharmony commercial.

Come here gorgeous.

BY STEF

Some guys can make anything look good. I once had a fling with a babe who wore the nastiest old man clothes from Value Village, but mannnn was he hot. Very few dudes possess this sexy quality, but when we walk by one, we give him an appraising look and then, oops, we realize we’re biting down on our lip.

SEXY

T-SHIRTS 

Give me a white vneck on a decent chest (or better) and it’s on, baby. Love you long time. Tattoos poking through? Even better. Chest hair? Keep it to a minimum.

Tshirts featuring bands, skate companies, and the school you attend are also sexy as fuck. If a chick sees you wearing a band shirt and she likes the band too, you might not even have to approach her first. They’re THAT effective. And since I know most of you can’t approach a woman without 5+ drinks in you, this is a good thing.

As long as you keep your t-shirt free of mustard, you can’t lose. Fit is key.

PS. Notice how I did NOT include ED HARDY tshirts. This was NOT an oversight. That shit is nasty.

JEANS

MMMMMMMMMMMM.

Invest in good jeans. Guys who buy their jeans for $16 from TSC can get slapped. You do not buy your denim from the same store you buy a tig welder at. Are we clear? Oh, and a good fit is key. I don’t wanna see them too tight and I don’t wanna see them around your knees either. When you wear jeans, I wanna see your ass so I can imagine grabbing it with both hands.  Rrrraow.

Thank you.

CARHARTT ANYTHING

Oh.
My.
God. 

Every woman loves a guy who works with his hands. Blue-collar guys get the hottest babes and I’ll be the first to tell you, it’s those goddamn sexy Carhartt jackets and coveralls.  Delicious. Don’t stop.

SUNGLASSES

Summer’s here and I gotta say, you guys are looking DAMN fine in your new shades. Even average guys look 10x hotter in the summer with a tan and some Super’s on. And let’s not even mention the Persols and the Crooks & Castles wearers of the world.

So combine the above with your favourite non-stinky kicks, and we have ourselves a deal, boys.

Contrary to what most of you seem to think, we aren’t really that picky about what you wear, but there are a couple things we will NO LONGER TOLERATE.

UGLY

Striped shirts with plaid bottoms.

JUST STOP. Its gross! If you wear plaid shorts, pair it with a solid coloured polo.

Ballcaps with sweaty salt stains.

This is despicable. There is no excuse for this.

Flip flops

I’d say 5% of guys can wear flip flops.  If you want to wear them, you’re going to have to take care of your yellow-ass callused toenails. No compromise.

And finally the biggest turnoff about a guys wardrobe isssssssssss…..the SEASHELL NECKLACE.

You may as well have frosted tips. And if you wear seashell necklaces, chances are you already do have them.  Yuck!

Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?

BY CHAD
Dudes and broads have some very different opinions about what looks good. There are some things that girls wear that absolutely drive guys wild. At the same time though, girls can wear some pretty ridiculous things that make us either want to laugh out loud or puke. In this article I plan to shed some light on what guys like to see and what we have a problem getting behind when it comes to broads and their clothing.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Guys love a girl in tights. This shouldn’t come as a surprise since the very name of this article of clothing implies everything that guys are into when it comes to girls. So lets take this idea and run with it. Tights, body suits, those new lacey shirts that girls wear that are pretty much see through – all of them, bangin’, love it, keep it up ladies. Also, short shorts and sundresses – keep ‘em comin’ and keep my world looking beautiful. Low cut shirts and bright colours? sweet.  But here’s where the problem lies: girls wearing clothes that are out of season or improper fitting, my fucking lord this isn’t going to make me any friends…

Ugg Boots In May, June, July and August

I think this beef is pretty self-explanatory. I don’t mind Uggs in the middle of winter or even a chilly fall day but whenever it’s 25 degrees out and you’re sporting your Uggs with short shorts or a mini skirt then something isn’t clicking in your brain and I can tell. Also, if you’re going to wear your boots out of season, at least wash the salt stains off of them before llamas start nipping at your heels.

Crocs (Anytime)

Just because your purple crocs match your purple shirt doesn’t make them a good idea. Personally, I think you look like Barney. I get that they might be comfortable and you might not have gotten your toes done in months but there are better ways to cover up your witch feet than these silly articles of footwear.

Wool Socks With Anything In The Summer

This might seem like a good idea if you expect to get stranded in the fucking Himalayas on your way to the mall but for Christ’s sake you’re not a mountaineer and El Nino isn’t going to happen over night. Just like your Uggs, stash your big socks away for the summer months - and god help you if you think its okay to wear them with your sandals because you’re just running to the store for a minute. Retard.

Rain Boots (Without The Rain)

This one is a bit tough. A lot of the times I see broads in rain boots and I think it’s pretty cute – sort of makes me want to go splash around in puddles with them and then buy them some ice cream. But when the sun is shining and it’s 32 degrees out and I see you in your rain boots I start to wonder. I get that it hasn’t rained all that much this year but just deal with the luck of the draw and opt not to wear your wellies. It makes you look like a crazy broad and it makes me not want to sit by you on the bus. I’m sure there’s more condensation inside your boots than there is outside.

High-Waisted Cotton Skirts

I really don’t know any other name for these things besides calling them straight up ugly. They’re pretty much a combination of a skirt and a pair of gym shorts and they look just fucking awful. I firmly believe there is no way to make this garment look good to a male without giving it a beer pouch and making it see-through.

High-Waisted Jeans

There exists an article of clothing that blurs the lines between a normal pair of jeans and a pair of farmer’s overalls. This article is the high-waisted jean and it looks terrible. These pants aren’t flattering to the body in any sense and it looks like you’ve been swallowed by a denim python. So do us all a favour and save these things for the farm unless you want to look like a real barnyard animal.

Granny Panties

I know we shouldn’t be looking but sometimes it’s just right there in front of our eyes. Granny panties have to be one of the funniest ways to turn a guy off. Sporting these things is like waving the white flag of your sex life – you give up. Regardless of whether or not you mean to show them, they’re there and we’ll probably notice when you bend over. Do yourself a favour in this case and opt for something with a bit more sex appeal. A little goes a long way, if you know what I mean.

Disclaimer

Alright, so I know I’ll probably catch some flak for some of these things so allow me to explain a little bit. Some girls can pull of some of these things – I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions to the rules. Also, I’m sure some of the ladies will say that it’s not all about impressing guys. Sometimes girls wear things to look pretty and comfortable with themselves and other girls. That’s all fine and dandy – great for you, them, whoever. But when it comes to dudes, this is what’s up, this is my opinion and it’s all I can offer.