Bus Stop Blues (I Can't Get Behind Some Of The Shit I See On The Bus)

BY CHAD
No doubt you've all had to ride the bus sometime in your life, I know I have (unfortunately I have to take the bus every day). And, by the same token, I'm sure you've all noticed what kind of filthy fucking scum ride the bus. So let me take a moment to reach out my fellow public transit goers. 

First off , just because you ride the bus doesn't mean you have to give up looking decent - even in the most basic sense. Don't wear your grimy faded sweatpants when you go out; nobody cares to see the fingerpaint stains from 5 years ago when you went to Everest college. The same goes for the smell of said sweatpants (or maybe it's just your dirty ass underarms), realize that there are other people around you and that have no desire to smell what you're cookin'.

Secondly, the bus isn't your fucking living room. You don't need 20 bags with you when you use public transit. It's called public transit for a reason; if it were private then I wouldn't be gumming you out for packing all your daughters rancid teddies. On that note, one stroller is fine, babies are alright in my books - but when you cart your kids like a caravan through the desert and then decide to put them on my bus, you can get fucked. There isn't enough room on the bus for a trainload of humans who can't stand upright. So don't bring a multitude of bags, excessive numbers of strollers, and for god's sake don't put your fucking feet on the seats, this isn't a recliner. 

If you can't read the signs on the bus then you shouldn't be able to ride the bus in the first place. The seats at the front of the bus are not for kids with skateboards or chubby dudes reading a book. They're for anyone who would have a problem sitting in a regular bus seat so give it up if you're young and capable. If you ride a bike and decide that you don't want to pedal anymore you should probably get hit by a car and ride in an ambulance. Don't wait at a bus stop with your stupid fucking bicycle and then take 5 minutes rigging it to the front of the bus just because you're tired. I'm judging you.

PDA on the bus. what the fuck? I get that you're 17 and that you're hormones are going wild but save it for your bedroom. The last thing I want to see is a pair of dirty teens necking on the bus when I'm trying to get from A to B. Holding hands is fine, it's a great way to show your significant other that they're more than a scrap of trash but draw the line there. Besides, haven't you seen the cow with the multitude of strollers at the front of the bus? Do you really want to end up like that?

I'm sure there are a bunch of decent people that ride the bus, but I rarely see them. For me at least, riding the bus is like shitting in a public washroom. You don't like to do it but it gets you where you need to be. So please, for those of us who are normal and civil, wear decent clothes, don't sit where you're not supposed to and don't be an asshole.