STEF: Drunk Bros & Broads

First of all, it’s been a while since Chad and I said something mean about your life…and we apologize for the delay. One would even suggest that it’s because we are both busy getting laid by the catch of the day we found in our Plenty of Fish nets. But truthfully it’s probably more realistic to say that we both just don’t have A/C and we have been so busy taking 5 showers a day in this recent heatwave that we don’t give a fuhhhk about you needing something to read when you’re being bored in your government job with A/C and a Reitman’s cardigan. Gahhhh. Fuck you in your dental benefits. Oh, and thanks for letting us swim in your pool last week. You’re the best, babe.

Now let’s focus on the topic at hand.

Drunk Bros & Broads

Haaaaa. Where do I even BEGIN?

Let’s start with the BOYS.

The other night I went out to the bar at about 1am on a full moon after sippin’ back a few modest beers. I was buzzed, but the second I walked in, I became sober, and felt I was walking into a zoo.

Everywhere I looked, alpha males like monkeys swingin’ from tree to tree and beatin’ their chests. Fights waiting to break out and drinks splashed us from everywhere, splashing girls freshly painted toes.

We’ve all been trashed once or thirty times, but guys definitely beat the shit out of sobriety every friggin’ Friday. Bet you can remember the last guy you saw pullin’ one of these….

#1.  “O’DOYLE RULES!!!!!”

It began in the schoolyard and it happens every night. Guys love to get really wasted and yell pretty much anything really loudly. Whether they’re hollering a buddy’s name or growling a red-faced, veiny,  “Fuuuuck yeahhh” this is just one of those things. One of those instinctive behaviours reserved for the kings of the Jagermeister jungle.

#2. Passing out and drawing on each other.

#3. Peeing your name on snow, asphalt or Claire Antoine’s rosebushes. (Mat Drouin, I’m talkin to you!)

#4. Driving drunk. This one is just dumb.

#5. Projectile everything

For guys who play so many videogames, you actually suck at life at real targets. You piss all over but that’s on any given day. You guys don’t just do that drunk.  Any girl dumb enough to play house knows that. When you ARE drunk, however, you puke your faces out allll over the place.  On your shoes, on the subway, on your buddy. On your mom, fuck. I was there. Don’t act like you don’t remember your family reunion ;).  Puke in the toilet, you fucks.

And now, we move onto the ladies

Ohhhh god. You’re 18. You spent your paycheck on a boob top, or a slinky metallic minidress, some kohl liner and a mickey of peach schnapps for the way up. Oh, and some crumpled 5’s you tossed to the DD. And just like ya planned, you get DRRRRRUNK. Remember what you did last night?

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This video pretty much sums it up. Drunk girls are awesome. Maybe I’m biased. Umm girls wear ridiculous heels to a bar and by the time the night is almost over, the strangest thing happens. Our feet actually stop working. Well, our ankles. We just start pullin’ a Bambi right and left. And do you know what each drunk girl says when that starts happening…

#1. “I’m not even drunk”

#2. Bathroom heart to hearts

Some of the most fascinating conversations happen when drunk girls hit a bathroom. You’ve got the girls in the mirror, fixing their hair & makeup and telling themselves:

“Wow, I definitely do look drunk. And yet I feel amazing. Oh well, let’s do some SHOTS!!!!!”

#3. Taking pictures

OHHH god. Girls LOVE to take pictures when they are drunk. Flashbulbs go offfffff  and they have 200 pictures of every Friday night. Ashley Belmore, I’m lookin’ at you girlfriend. And the world needs these girls. They spread joy, not chlamydia.

#4. Crying.
Happy crying, sad crying, it all goes down.

#5.The drunk dial

Ohhhh, this could be the equivalent of driving drunk and hitting your grandmother. This is a universal shared characteristic of the intoxicated female. This can involve texting exes, current flings, possible flings, driving instructors and a California chiropractor. What? It happened to a friend.

#6.  Detective Afterparty.

Don’t even pretend you never stuck around a bar to find an afterparty.  Many girls have braved very cold nights breathing frigid glass air outside the bar just waiting for access to that warm, hazy, candle and pot smoke filled afterparty.  And while they wait, they walk up to the bouncers and say in a singsong voice: “Can I just wait inside for one minute?” The best thing to do in this situation, girls, is to peace out.

Ok so that sums up  my fave things guys and gals do when they’re loaded! Am I forgetting anything? Let us know!

*Disclaimer: Mat Drouin did not piss on Claire Antoine’s hedges. His brother did.