CHAD: Everybody Poops

I know, I never wanted to believe it either but the fact of the matter is that everybody poops. Mom poops, dad poops, even your girlfriend poops. But pooping is one of those things that goes down behind closed doors (literally) and it’s usually better off left there. There are times, however, when poop creeps out of its dark room and punches you square in the nose. You can’t deny it. So how do you deal with your lover and poop.

In some relationships (especially at first), poop is a subject that’s off limits. Nobody comes back to a restaurant table and explains the girth of the dump they just took to the special lady across the table. If you do, then you’re an idiot (awesome, but an idiot). At the same time, you’re not going to point out the fact that the corn your girlfriend is currently eating will make a second appearance later tonight at the porcelain palace. These things just aren’t talked about.

In some cases, couples are even afraid to talk about pooping’s little brother, farting. That’s just silly, everyone knows that farting is hilarious and that it helps to keep things fun and fresh in your relationship: from bubbles in the pool to dutch ovens, the possibilities are endless. Also, lets not forget about queefing - the female equivalent of farting. It’s an equally funny phenomenon and it doesn’t provide us with the nose busting flavour of the butt trumpet roar. So get over farting at least.

Maybe once your relationship progresses you’ll make some (turtle)headway. But there’s no getting past it. Pooping around the opposite sex is weird. The best way to deal with it (and I’m offering my expert opinion here) is to play it off like no big thang. I just like to think of it as a aromatic symbol of my manhood. This is what I’m capable of, you should be thankful to bask in the musk of my brew.

Alright, so maybe you don’t share my skewed view about crappy creations so I can only offer you a few other suggestions. Keep your washroom stocked with aerosol sprays – but for god’s sake, not the peach smelling kind, nothing smells worse than a mash up of poo and peaches. A nice powerful flower spray will do; shop around and try a few different scents until you find something that works for you.
Even better and much more economical is a pack of matches. Nothing kills the smell of poo like the burning of a match. Just make sure to throw the match in the toilet and not in the garbage can. There’s nothing more embarrassing than setting the garbage on fire while trying to mask the scent of your dump.
But if you want to hide the smell of your doodie in a romantic way, try the match and candle combination. Your lover might overlook the whole pooping thing and opt for a sexy dip in the tub.